The Presence of Men at Women's Retreats
Tuesday, 17 February 2009 12:00
IN MY OPINION: On The Presence of Men at a Women's Retreat
I'd like to address the presence of men on the premises of a women's retreat. In the years I've been coming to and helping present the Women and Religion retreats, I have found that the conscious exclusion of men means not a general or universal fear or phobia, but a consideration of our sisters' feelings.
When we say we wish to create and hold a "safe space" for women, that means a lot of things. It is a space where we find freedom to express our inner selves, where we hold each of our sisters in high regard and in extreme tenderness. Where we perhaps exclude such things as, say, alcohol (in respect of those who struggle with addiction, and those who wish to experience our gatherings in clarity and wholeness). Or fragrance (in respect of those who deal with allergies and chemical sensitivities).
We add such things as gluten-free foods. We add such things as barrier-free retreat sites. We add such things as childcare in case someone has need. We add scholarships so those who don't have enough money can be here alongside those who do. We add such things as woman-honoring images and words. We exclude men as much as possible (in respect of those who are healing or wishing to heal from violent physical or emotional contact with them).
We also exclude men as much as possible in order to enhance the freedom of the retreat experience for all the women attending. It is common for women in our society to have different levels of comfort when expressing themselves in women-only or in mixed-gender groups. And the bonding between women that can take place when we can (temporarily at least) drop the defenses that protect our inner psyches while dealing with the everyday world is enhanced by the women-only atmosphere of these temporary respites. We take care of each other.
Fear of men IS a sad aspect of life on this planet. I think it's tragic and completely unacceptable that women still can't walk anywhere we want in this world without having to constantly be on guard! Yet, even in these supposedly enlightened times, it is a fact of life and a much larger issue for some than others. There are still WAY too many predators out there. In our retreats, we do not exclude men because we hate them. We exclude them because a temporary women-only society holds more freedom than society at large, and this is a very important way for us to experience how supportive the world could feel if it WERE safe for women and children. Knowing that, feeling that, and holding that deep within helps many of us stay fortified for the work we all do in making the world a better, saner and safer place.
We do attempt to provide a slice of our retreat experience by arranging Sunday services with our keynote speaker in the host churches. Woman-honoring men in the congregations generally enjoy the Sunday services that are so connected with our theme and the purposes of our group. In that instance we can be completely inclusive. It is always good to have allies. And while it may be understood by the host church community who these wonderful men are, it is not necessarily known by the women who travel from afar and who are our guests.
I think making an announcement before or early during a retreat when it is known that catering staff, or sound personnel, or church staff of the male gender will be present at times, then all attending have a clear idea of what to expect. And that's all anyone asks, really.
I for one, ask that W&R continue to honor our sisters' varied needs and wishes in our retreats as much as possible. It's like Shelley Graff's song says, we need to feel "You Are Not Alone." We take care of each other.
Gretchen Ohmann
W&R office manager
February 2009
IN MY OPINION: On The Presence of Men at a Women's Retreat
I'd like to address the presence of men on the premises of a women's retreat. In the years I've been coming to and helping present the Women and Religion retreats, I have found that the conscious exclusion of men means not a general or universal fear or phobia, but a consideration of our sisters' feelings.
When we say we wish to create and hold a "safe space" for women, that means a lot of things. It is a space where we find freedom to express our inner selves, where we hold each of our sisters in high regard and in extreme tenderness. Where we perhaps exclude such things as, say, alcohol (in respect of those who struggle with addiction, and those who wish to experience our gatherings in clarity and wholeness). Or fragrance (in respect of those who deal with allergies and chemical sensitivities).
We add such things as gluten-free foods. We add such things as barrier-free retreat sites. We add such things as childcare in case someone has need. We add scholarships so those who don't have enough money can be here alongside those who do. We add such things as woman-honoring images and words. We exclude men as much as possible (in respect of those who are healing or wishing to heal from violent physical or emotional contact with them).
We also exclude men as much as possible in order to enhance the freedom of the retreat experience for all the women attending. It is common for women in our society to have different levels of comfort when expressing themselves in women-only or in mixed-gender groups. And the bonding between women that can take place when we can (temporarily at least) drop the defenses that protect our inner psyches while dealing with the everyday world is enhanced by the women-only atmosphere of these temporary respites. We take care of each other.
Fear of men IS a sad aspect of life on this planet. I think it's tragic and completely unacceptable that women still can't walk anywhere we want in this world without having to constantly be on guard! Yet, even in these supposedly enlightened times, it is a fact of life and a much larger issue for some than others. There are still WAY too many predators out there. In our retreats, we do not exclude men because we hate them. We exclude them because a temporary women-only society holds more freedom than society at large, and this is a very important way for us to experience how supportive the world could feel if it WERE safe for women and children. Knowing that, feeling that, and holding that deep within helps many of us stay fortified for the work we all do in making the world a better, saner and safer place.
We do attempt to provide a slice of our retreat experience by arranging Sunday services with our keynote speaker in the host churches. Woman-honoring men in the congregations generally enjoy the Sunday services that are so connected with our theme and the purposes of our group. In that instance we can be completely inclusive. It is always good to have allies. And while it may be understood by the host church community who these wonderful men are, it is not necessarily known by the women who travel from afar and who are our guests.
I think making an announcement before or early during a retreat when it is known that catering staff, or sound personnel, or church staff of the male gender will be present at times, then all attending have a clear idea of what to expect. And that's all anyone asks, really.
I for one, ask that W&R continue to honor our sisters' varied needs and wishes in our retreats as much as possible. It's like Shelley Graff's song says, we need to feel "You Are Not Alone." We take care of each other.
Gretchen Ohmann
W&R office manager
February 2009
